Truthful Tuesdays Volume Five

• Posted on May 19, 2015
• by Jamie Stahl
• in Truthful Tuesday
• 2 Comments.

This Week’s Truthful Tuesday: I Slaughter Sandwiches

If you asked me if I’d like to go to the deli for a sandwich, depending on my mood, I’d probably say, “sure!”  You would then see me dissecting the poor sandwich, as if I was in my Sophomore Biology class, with a scalpel… I mean fork and knife. You’d probably be very confused watching my beautifully assembled sandwich ripped to shreds as if a pack of wolves found it which you daintily nibble your sandwich from one corner to another.  Some of you might even be bold enough to say, “Jamie, what the fuck are you doing?”  For those of you who have asked, those of you who have not asked but are curious, and those of you who don’t give a damn about my sandwich eating habits one way or the other, this is my explanation:

When ordering a sandwich, I like to eat all of it’s contents.  I even like to eat them together in one mouthful.  The problem lies in the ratio of sandwich to mouth size.  I don’t like biting into a sandwich and having to deal with the left over mess.  That causes way too much anxiety while I’m eating.  Let me explain a bit further…

Say you ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with ooey gooey cheese coming out of the sides.  Now, if you take a bite out of one end, more likely than not one of three scenarios will occur a) the cheese will not separate and you will end up with too much food in your mouth causing you to potentially choke or, the less severe option, have a hard time chewing, b) the cheese will separate too fast and all you’ll have in your mouth is two pieces of dried up bread, sans cheese, or c) the cheese will get stretched and stringy and messy causing grease drips down your chin, swinging in the air, dropping onto your clothes, falling out of the sandwich into a big glob on the floor.  (If you do not like grilled cheese, simply replace your imaginary sandwich with turkey or tuna salad.  You are still risking the occurrence of the same three crises.

I generally will do one of two things in order to prevent my sandwich from going to shambles.  Sometimes I will order food at a restaurant or make my food in non-sandwich form.  For example, I will order a cheeseburger without the bun or a corned beef platter at the deli.  Though I don’t get the enjoyment of the bread in these situations, it makes eating my food much more relaxing and enjoyable.  I just cut up some pieces and pop them in my mouth!  The other way I try to maintain the integrity of a sandwich is to cut it into pieces by making baby sandwiches.  This tactic works best for something with an “adhesive” component, like grilled cheese, so the bread stays together which you are cutting through the whole sandwich.  And if I am attempting to make bite size pieces out of my sandwich, but it falls apart, it’s no problem!  I just continue on with my cutting, dagger a couple of pieces of food with my fork and go about my business.

Maybe my plate ends up looking like a scene from a horror film, but I’m okay with that.  That’s because my face is clean, my fingers are clean, my clothes are clean, I didn’t lose any food to the floor, and I’m happy because I’m probably full!

by

by